Oh who the hell knows......

I have realized that I am a very insecure person....I am quick to jump to conclusions and most of the time it is a harsh and unflattering conclusion.

I need approval of some kind from everyone that I interact with....is that normal? I guess it is, i think we all want to know that we are on the right path or at least heading closer to what we want!

Take Josh for instance, I am very quick to pass judgement in this area. I think i have so little to grasp on to that I am willing to fly off the handle.

When you look at it at a more basic level, he really is a guy that I want around. He has morals and ethics, he makes me laugh, we can talk about anything, and the guy just makes me want more....to know more, experience more, etc.

I am probably setting myself up for a gigantic heartache, but something just won't let me let him go.

My biggest problem right now is how does one separate their feelings? I love a challenge and puzzle and part of me thinks that Josh is just a big puzzle to me. The other part reminds me that I like having him on my mind and the constant butterflies.

I guess I could look at it like a social experiment. Can I actually stick around and see what happens if I am not in charge? See that is where the real problem is...I keep saying that I don't want to have to be the responsible party all the time but the truth is I am a control freak....If I am not in control it seriously bothers me. But then again I don't want to always be in control....I don't want to make all the decisions and pick the paths.

I guess you can't give up control and at the same time get your way all the time, right?

The other part is, in my mind, your not in a serious committed relationship until a sexual bond has been made, it's just casual till that point. Damn it, I don't want casual...

There is a certain feeling of safety and security in being in a relationship....because until the relationship has been defined, anyone can just jump ship for no reason.... I want reasons i want explanations, maybe this shows a fear of rejection i guess?

I can honestly say that if he just upped and walked away I would seriously be hurt and it would effect me big.....but do i love him? I just don't know......but i think i want to...does that make sense?

I think the insecure part of me is hindering my heart because I'm afraid to take a leap of faith. I don't want to jump unless i know the net is up...but then again love is a risk and without the willingness to put your heart on the line, your really not even in the game.

So i am left with the question...to jump with faith or to be a coward on the cliff???