A friend of mine reminded me that I used to blog all the time, and then i just stopped.....I guess in a way i just turned off the part of me that wanted to put things down in black and white.
Well life is funny in the way that it keeps trudging on even when you beg it to stand still.
I have a lot on my mind lately, some is more theoritical, others more in the now and happening all around me. Overall I think my life is pretty great. I have a decent job that I don't hate all the time, I have friends and family that I love, and for once I have a pretty stable life.
I have my ups and downs, don't get me wrong, but overall I feel proud of what I have made of my life so far. But then I start to think of what could be and what might have happened and it all goes to shit!
Every year at the end of February I always get a little down, I start to think about where my life would be now if I had walked down the aisle in my white dress.....would i be happy? would i be a mom? etc etc...
I wonder sometimes if God knows what the hell he is doing with me....what am i meant for???
I know I fall in love hard and it is hard to shake, I love for life and never forget the ones that touch my heart. I carry ghosts around with me. Well really I carry 2 ghosts. 1 that I let go and 1 that i had to leave.
I hate being the responsible party, I want to think that I haven't caused pain. I want to think that I am better off after doing things that i hated to do but i knew i should do it. Why couldn't I have stayed and made it work? Why did i give up so easily?
Is that why God is testing me now? To see if I am willing to wait and see if things work out? Is this how I'll finally make a commitment and not bail when the going gets tough?
I always think I am so strong and sure of my decisions at the time, but afterwards I feel weak and scared and wonder if i did the right thing.
It's hard to not think back and wonder how i have permanently affected someone else's life and the directions they will go.
I wonder if I will ever find the person that completes me, that makes me feel safe and warm, and that i was willing to go through fire for. It sounds great and it sounds like everything I want, but would I know what to do with it when i had it?
Honestly, I have doubts that I would cherish it and keep it going strong. That maybe I am a punk that just quits everything I start...
I wish God spoke in neon sign and billboards and then maybe I would get a clue....
Oh well, wishful thinking I guess!
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