what is passion?

pas⋅sion

   /ˈpæʃən/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [pash-uhn] Show IPA –noun

1.	any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2.	strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

3.	strong sexual desire; lust.

4.	an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

5.	a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

6.	a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.

7.	the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.

8.	an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.

9.	violent anger.

10.	the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action ).

11.	(often initial capital letter) Theology. a. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper. b. the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the Gospels.

12.	Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr.

The other day at the gym, Sonja asked me what my passion is, and i just stuttered, and said, I have no clue anymore.....

Years ago I would not have hestitated to answer. Is it truly possible that I have lost all passion?
I am hoping that if i work through this definition piece by piece I might regain composure on what my passion is...

hmmm #1, what is something I have a compelling feeling for? well I guess that would be in kicking my own ass...I love going to the gym right now.

#2 a stong amourous feeling, well i guess this is where i am lacking, I love the act of going to the gym and seeing my muscles refine, but what I really want is to find earth shattering love. To feel safe and secure in a relationship that is mutually beneficial.

#3 strong sexual desire? hmmmmm ok well i haven't had sex in over 4 months so yeah this area is severely lacking....

#4 experience of strong love or sexual desire? um again no sex for 4 months and strong love has been way longer than that!

#5 the person? hmmmm no one is in my life at this point and no prospects as of yet....

#6 a strong desire.....i am so coming up blank...wow this is kind of depressing!!!

#7 the object.....i have never placed objects in a postition of love/ desire, i like to think of myself as un-materialistic...

#8 outburst of strong emotion, well i can't say i have had an outburst lately!!!!

#9 violent anger....hmmm I can't say i have been violently angry lately...i've been angry but not enough to cause violence!

#10 effected by something external? i don't get to be exposed to too much external these days so i have to put this as a NO

#11 sufferings of Christ, well since i have not been nailed to a cross lately or ever I think this one is n/a

#12 martyr? ummm i guess in my own way i have become slightly like a martyr but that is self-imposed....

So in conclusion I am still left with a big huge blank next to my passion box!!!!!

Hmm that leaves lots of what ifs in my brain..... I know I used to be passionate, towards people, food/ cooking, etc...what the hell happened to me?

Ok ok I know the answer to that I turned myself on autopilot and just survived for years.....well i am slowly breaking out from my passion coma, I gotta figure this out somehow......

What is life without passion????

Oh who the hell knows......

I have realized that I am a very insecure person....I am quick to jump to conclusions and most of the time it is a harsh and unflattering conclusion.

I need approval of some kind from everyone that I interact with....is that normal? I guess it is, i think we all want to know that we are on the right path or at least heading closer to what we want!

Take Josh for instance, I am very quick to pass judgement in this area. I think i have so little to grasp on to that I am willing to fly off the handle.

When you look at it at a more basic level, he really is a guy that I want around. He has morals and ethics, he makes me laugh, we can talk about anything, and the guy just makes me want more....to know more, experience more, etc.

I am probably setting myself up for a gigantic heartache, but something just won't let me let him go.

My biggest problem right now is how does one separate their feelings? I love a challenge and puzzle and part of me thinks that Josh is just a big puzzle to me. The other part reminds me that I like having him on my mind and the constant butterflies.

I guess I could look at it like a social experiment. Can I actually stick around and see what happens if I am not in charge? See that is where the real problem is...I keep saying that I don't want to have to be the responsible party all the time but the truth is I am a control freak....If I am not in control it seriously bothers me. But then again I don't want to always be in control....I don't want to make all the decisions and pick the paths.

I guess you can't give up control and at the same time get your way all the time, right?

The other part is, in my mind, your not in a serious committed relationship until a sexual bond has been made, it's just casual till that point. Damn it, I don't want casual...

There is a certain feeling of safety and security in being in a relationship....because until the relationship has been defined, anyone can just jump ship for no reason.... I want reasons i want explanations, maybe this shows a fear of rejection i guess?

I can honestly say that if he just upped and walked away I would seriously be hurt and it would effect me big.....but do i love him? I just don't know......but i think i want to...does that make sense?

I think the insecure part of me is hindering my heart because I'm afraid to take a leap of faith. I don't want to jump unless i know the net is up...but then again love is a risk and without the willingness to put your heart on the line, your really not even in the game.

So i am left with the question...to jump with faith or to be a coward on the cliff???

Another One Bites the Dust

I may just be the biggest moron on the planet!!!

It amazes me sometimes just how naive and stupid I can really be. For all those times that I think i am so smart, it's moments like this that make me feel like I can trust no one and no one is worth the pain.

But then again what did i really expect? I highly doubt anymore that the ONE I am looking for is out there. I may just have to get used to the idea that I am the only one in this boat. I should just batton down the hatches and sail on......yeah it gets lonely but it's not nearly as painful.

What about me actually makes people want to hurt me? Am I too trusting, caring, nice, etc???

Well maybe that is what is wrong, I just assume that everyone out there isn't telling me a shitload of lies and that there are real genuine good people.

Oh well, I'm just gonna move on once again like i have many times before.

I have enough shit on my plate anyways....

Thank god the gym is paying off or else I may not have any reason to smile anymore. I am down to 210lbs!!! Small victory but still smile worthy! 10 lbs to Goal #1!!!!

Some day some where I will find out why I am here and it will make me smile, and i'll think, damn, i should have known that.....I can't wait till that day, so then I will feel less of a complete fool and idiot!!!

Sweet Dreams...

P.S. I totally wanna be Godzilla right now.....i would love to take out a small island of people just for the hell of it!!! LOL PMS is hell!!

Hints, Allegations, and things left unsaid

A friend of mine reminded me that I used to blog all the time, and then i just stopped.....I guess in a way i just turned off the part of me that wanted to put things down in black and white.

Well life is funny in the way that it keeps trudging on even when you beg it to stand still.

I have a lot on my mind lately, some is more theoritical, others more in the now and happening all around me. Overall I think my life is pretty great. I have a decent job that I don't hate all the time, I have friends and family that I love, and for once I have a pretty stable life.

I have my ups and downs, don't get me wrong, but overall I feel proud of what I have made of my life so far. But then I start to think of what could be and what might have happened and it all goes to shit!

Every year at the end of February I always get a little down, I start to think about where my life would be now if I had walked down the aisle in my white dress.....would i be happy? would i be a mom? etc etc...

I wonder sometimes if God knows what the hell he is doing with me....what am i meant for???

I know I fall in love hard and it is hard to shake, I love for life and never forget the ones that touch my heart. I carry ghosts around with me. Well really I carry 2 ghosts. 1 that I let go and 1 that i had to leave.

I hate being the responsible party, I want to think that I haven't caused pain. I want to think that I am better off after doing things that i hated to do but i knew i should do it. Why couldn't I have stayed and made it work? Why did i give up so easily?

Is that why God is testing me now? To see if I am willing to wait and see if things work out? Is this how I'll finally make a commitment and not bail when the going gets tough?

I always think I am so strong and sure of my decisions at the time, but afterwards I feel weak and scared and wonder if i did the right thing.

It's hard to not think back and wonder how i have permanently affected someone else's life and the directions they will go.

I wonder if I will ever find the person that completes me, that makes me feel safe and warm, and that i was willing to go through fire for. It sounds great and it sounds like everything I want, but would I know what to do with it when i had it?

Honestly, I have doubts that I would cherish it and keep it going strong. That maybe I am a punk that just quits everything I start...

I wish God spoke in neon sign and billboards and then maybe I would get a clue....

Oh well, wishful thinking I guess!